5 Deliciously Destructive New Year’s Resolutions (And How to Succeed at Them)
Thursday, January 1st, 2009
It’s that time of the year, when everyone is planning how to improve themselves for the new year. This entire blog is dedicated to new year’s resolution advice, but what about those of us who have no interest in bettering ourselves in 09?
Maybe you’re lazy or just perfect. If a traditional new year’s resolution doesn’t strike your fancy, why not consider a different kind of challenge? Try out one of our magnificently self-destructive new year’s resolutions be on your way to an epically disastrous new year.
Warning: These suggestions are not doctor approved. FDA approved. Kid tested, mother approved. They do not represent the opinions of this blog, or any rational person. We make no guarantees that you will make it to 2010 either.
Deliciously destructive alternative: Gain 200 lbs in 12 months
Delicious Bacon Apple Pie
Why: Because it tastes good.
How to do it: This one is fairly simple: eat and don’t move. Red meat, cake-sized cupcakes, awesome blossoms, Crisco straight from the can—anything. Breakfasts of soda and bacon! Lunches of chicken nuggets and iced cookies! Dinners of pot pies AND fruit pies! You are a king… eat like it. Also, guilt spouses and children into doing any tasks for you that require movement. All energy should be spent on pouring sauces on things.
Surprise bonus: You get to use the motorized cart at the grocery store with no qualms.
How to legitimize it: You want to learn compassion, and nothing makes you more understanding of the depths of human suffering than having to be crane-lifted out of your home.
Deliciously destructive alternative: Become the evil one in a toxic relationship
This guy is your role model
Why: Bad boys and girls get laid more.
How to do it: Behavior modeling. Think of the last horrible relationship you (or a friend) was in and copy their significant other’s most terrible traits. Make bootie calls. Prey on insecurities. Cheat. Borrow inordinate amounts of money with no intention of paying it back. Don’t forget important occasions like birthdays—ruin them. But never let them forget you love them.
Surprise bonus: You may find someone with low enough self-esteem to marry you.
How to legitimize it: Be really good in bed or incredibly good looking. Either of those and you can get away with murder.
Deliciously destructive alternative: Quit your day job and move into your parent’s basement
WoW
Why: Thanks to Twilight, pale guys are in right now.
How to do it: Pretend you got laid off to elicit pity, then regress to a 14 year old. Become really needy with your mom, so she gets used to pampering you. Bond with your dad over “guy” things–working on a car, hot chicks, baseball–so he doesn’t get annoyed and kick you out. Pretend you’re spending all day and night on the computer looking for a job, when really you’re leveling your World of Warcraft characters.
Surprise bonus: There’s someone around to cut the crust off your sandwiches
How to legitimize it: Blame the recession.
Typical Resolution: Save money or get out of debt
Deliciously destructive alternative: Live way, way, wayyyy beyond your means
These girls work at Old Navy
Why: Because you know Obama or your dad will bail you out
How to do it: The key to success here is to have a job. It doesn’t have to pay much… management at some store in the mall is perfect. The point is to have enough income that you’re offered credit and loans–then go crazy. Lease a Beamer or a Lexus. Eat out every night. Rent a tiny, tiny studio apartment in the hippest part of town. This will become harder and harder as the credit crunch continues, so begin now before it’s too late. Oh– and don’t forget to be a complete jerk to women and service industry workers. It’s part of the lifestyle.
Surprise bonus: You learn the fine art of dodging collection agencies and repo men.
How to legitimize it: You deserve it.
Typical Resolution: Spend more time with your family
Deliciously destructive alternative: Spend more time with your secretary.
If your secretary is this hot, you are one lucky man.
Why: Sex, why else?
How to do it: Follow all the cliches. Complain about your naggy wife. Work late hours. Notice your secretary’s new hair/clothes/perfume and then invite her on a business trip. Illicit meetings in seedy motels are sure to follow. It works in the movies, doesn’t it?
Surprise bonus: Your guilt may actually lead you to become a better father and husband.
How to legitimize it: Tell your wife, “Don Draper does it, and you love him!” Then call her “toots,” give her a slap on the rear, and ask her when dinner will be ready.
There you go. I hope you’ve found a path to a fatter, lonelier, poorer you. Ready for your resolution? Share your own self-destructive plans for 2009 in the comments or by registering with the New Years Resolution Blog. Happy new year! Did you like this? If so, please bookmark it,
5 Comments
subscribe comments feedrunningman
January 2nd, 2009
Great idea. I am throwing in the towel!! Who is on Board?
claire
January 2nd, 2009
I’m going to aim to hit all 5 resolutions–if I can figure out how to both quit my job and still have a sexy secretary….
Will
January 2nd, 2009
I’m on board! I like the idea of living way beyond my means, but i’m not sure if i could keep it up for too long…
Will
January 2nd, 2009
Definitely not a year. I would be forced to break my resolution after like 2 weeks!!
Jane Seymour
January 16th, 2009
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