Preschoolers

• I will clean up my toys.
• I will brush my teeth twice a day, and wash my hands after going to the bathroom and before eating.
• I won’t tease dogs – even friendly ones. I will avoid being bitten by keeping my fingers and face away from their mouths.

Kids, 5- to 12-years-old

• I will drink milk and water, and limit soda and fruit drinks.
• I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.  I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
• I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (like playing tag, jumping rope, dancing or riding my bike) that I like and do it at least three times a week!
• I will always wear a helmet when bicycling.
• I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car.  I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
• I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
• I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet.  Also, I’ll never send a picture of myself to someone I chat with on the computer without my parent’s permission.

Kids, 13-years-old and up

• I will eat at least one fruit and one vegetable every day, and I will limit the amount of soda I drink.
• I will take care of my body through physical activity and nutrition.
• I will choose non-violent television shows and video games, and I will spend only one to two hours each day – at the most – on these activities.
• I will help out in my community – through volunteering, working with community groups or by joining a group that helps people in need.
• I will wipe negative “self talk” (i.e. “I can’t do it” or “I’m so dumb”) out of my vocabulary.
• When I feel angry or stressed out, I will take a break and find constructive ways to deal with the stress, such as exercising, reading, writing in a journal or discussing my problem with a parent or friend.
• When faced with a difficult decision, I will talk with an adult about my choices.
• I will be careful about whom I choose to date, and always treat the other person with respect and without coercion or violence.
• I will resist peer pressure to try drugs and alcohol.
• When I notice my friends are struggling or engaging in risky behaviors, I will talk with a trusted adult and attempt to find a way that I can help them.

The reason I want to gain 200 pounds is that it’s attainable. It may take dedication, and it may actually cost quite a bit of money, but it’s something that I can accomplish over the next year. Compare that with losing the same amount of weight — or even losing 20 pounds. I’ve told myself that I’d lose X pounds every year for the past decade, and I’ve always watched the vibrant flame of ambition be doused by the extinguishing spirit of defeat. The same probably goes for millions of people across the globe: they set out to do something year after year, and year after year they watch the ball drop on TV while straining the joints holding together their Lazy Boy.

Not me. This year, I’m setting out to accomplish something so devoid of purpose and requisite effort that there’s no way I won’t accomplish it. How great will it feel to ring in 2010 from the comfort of a motorized scooter, knowing that only a year earlier I set out a lofty goal that I have now met? It’ll feel great. And I’ll wash that great feeling down with a mouth full of liquefied caramel, take a hit off of my oxygen tank, and set the next year’s resolution: to re-gain my
virginity.

Originally published in Misprint Magazine Vol 4 Issue 2. (Thanks for the permission to reproduce!)

What does this mean? Simply lower your expectations for yourself! Thinking you should lose 25 pounds for the year? Try 5. Believe it or not, there are health benefits to losing even a little bit of weight.

Want to save $5000? Try saving just $50 in one month. You’ll see how easy it is and might convince yourself to stay on track for the rest of the year.

Running a marathon, learning a new language, or completely changing your lifestyle are all great, lofty goals, but sometimes all we need is a little bit to get us a long way when it comes to New Year’s Resolutions.

I do have some business travel plans coming up so I hope I do not fall off the bandwagon..

Maybe you’re lazy or just perfect. If a traditional new year’s resolution doesn’t strike your fancy, why not consider a different kind of challenge? Try out one of our magnificently self-destructive new year’s resolutions be on your way to an epically disastrous new year.

Warning: These suggestions are not doctor approved. FDA approved. Kid tested, mother approved. They do not represent the opinions of this blog, or any rational person. We make no guarantees that you will make it to 2010 either.

Delicious Bacon Apple Pie

Why: Because it tastes good.

How to do it: This one is fairly simple: eat and don’t move. Red meat, cake-sized cupcakes, awesome blossoms, Crisco straight from the can—anything. Breakfasts of soda and bacon! Lunches of chicken nuggets and iced cookies! Dinners of pot pies AND fruit pies! You are a king… eat like it. Also, guilt spouses and children into doing any tasks for you that require movement. All energy should be spent on pouring sauces on things.

Surprise bonus: You get to use the motorized cart at the grocery store with no qualms.

How to legitimize it: You want to learn compassion, and nothing makes you more understanding of the depths of human suffering than having to be crane-lifted out of your home.

This guy is your role model

Why: Bad boys and girls get laid more.

How to do it: Behavior modeling. Think of the last horrible relationship you (or a friend) was in and copy their significant other’s most terrible traits. Make bootie calls. Prey on insecurities. Cheat. Borrow inordinate amounts of money with no intention of paying it back. Don’t forget important occasions like birthdays—ruin them. But never let them forget you love them.

Surprise bonus: You may find someone with low enough self-esteem to marry you.

How to legitimize it: Be really good in bed or incredibly good looking. Either of those and you can get away with murder.

WoW

Why: Thanks to Twilight, pale guys are in right now.

How to do it: Pretend you got laid off to elicit pity, then regress to a 14 year old. Become really needy with your mom, so she gets used to pampering you. Bond with your dad over “guy” things–working on a car, hot chicks, baseball–so he doesn’t get annoyed and kick you out. Pretend you’re spending all day and night on the computer looking for a job, when really you’re leveling your World of Warcraft characters.

Surprise bonus: There’s someone around to cut the crust off your sandwiches

How to legitimize it: Blame the recession.

These girls work at Old Navy

Why: Because you know Obama or your dad will bail you out

How to do it: The key to success here is to have a job. It doesn’t have to pay much… management at some store in the mall is perfect. The point is to have enough income that you’re offered credit and loans–then go crazy. Lease a Beamer or a Lexus. Eat out every night. Rent a tiny, tiny studio apartment in the hippest part of town. This will become harder and harder as the credit crunch continues, so begin now before it’s too late. Oh– and don’t forget to be a complete jerk to women and service industry workers. It’s part of the lifestyle.

Surprise bonus: You learn the fine art of dodging collection agencies and repo men.

How to legitimize it: You deserve it.

If your secretary is this hot, you are one lucky man.

Why: Sex, why else?

How to do it: Follow all the cliches. Complain about your naggy wife. Work late hours. Notice your secretary’s new hair/clothes/perfume and then invite her on a business trip. Illicit meetings in seedy motels are sure to follow. It works in the movies, doesn’t it?

Surprise bonus: Your guilt may actually lead you to become a better father and husband.

How to legitimize it: Tell your wife, “Don Draper does it, and you love him!” Then call her “toots,” give her a slap on the rear, and ask her when dinner will be ready.