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Forget your stupid new year’s diet
Wanting to lose weight this year? No matter where you look, you’re sure to find an expert ready to tell you exactly how to lose that last 10 (or 20) pounds. Want some REAL advice? Check out Sarah Haskins’ hillarious advice, after the jump.
Posted in Funny New Year's ResolutionsBy admin
My Resolution: Gain 200 Pounds
My New Year’s Resolution is to gain 200 pounds. No, I’m not dangerously thin, and no, I don’t want to gain 200 pounds of pure muscle. I want to gain 200 pounds of pure, unfiltered waste — the equivalent of 700,000 calories in brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, fudge pops, mountain dew, mars bars, M&Ms, margarine sandwiches, and
guacamole milkshakes. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to my resolution; it will probably take 10 years off of my life and inflict disgust onto any women I meet, both in the process of gaining the weight and after having put it on.
By Eric
Misprint Magazine’s New Year’s Resolutions
More Misprint
Less Misprint
Shave my beard
By Misprint Magazine
5 Deliciously Destructive New Year’s Resolutions (And How to Succeed at Them)
It’s that time of the year, when everyone is planning how to improve themselves for the new year. This entire blog is dedicated to new year’s resolution advice, but what about those of us who have no interest in bettering ourselves in 09?
Maybe you’re lazy or just perfect. If a traditional new year’s resolution doesn’t strike your fancy, why not consider a different kind of challenge? Try out one of our magnificently self-destructive new year’s resolutions be on your way to an epically disastrous new year.
Posted in Funny New Year's ResolutionsBy admin
Cute horse New Year’s resolutions shirt
Nobody thinks about New Year’s resolutions in July, except maybe me (because I’m actually sticking to mine!–though I am getting more and more terrified as marathon day grows near). I just ran across this adorable New Year’s resolutions sweatshirt featuring some resolutions from horses. The shirt was made by a horse riding group for its members. I’ve only been on a horse a few times in my life, but once I was on one that laid down while I was on it–kind of a terrifying experience! Another rider had to get off to pull it up while I just sort of sat frozen. I guess I needed a little bit more practice before I’d be ready for that horse! Anyway, just a fun little example of New Year’s resolutions about something other than running! I think everyone I know is getting sick of me talking about the marathon, even though they’re actually excited for me. All I can think about is taking days (maybe weeks…) off of running after I finish! Wish me luck…
Posted in Funny New Year's Resolutions, Marathon Running, UncategorizedBy Tracy
Funny New Year’s Resolutions
It’s not January anymore, but some of us (like me!) are still sticking to our resolutions. I can’t believe I barely have 2 months left until my marathon! I’m getting more and more excited about it. More training updates later–for now, here’s a funny page about New Year’s Resolutions for you to enjoy!
Posted in Funny New Year's Resolutions, Marathon RunningBy Tracy
Wait ‘Til Next Year
I just love Dave Barry and I just love his advice on keeping resolutions. Enjoy!
WAIT ‘TIL NEXT YEAR
By Dave Barry, The Miami Herald, January 4, 1998
Right now, while you’re still burping up little gaseous reminders of the estimated 78 cheese puffs you consumed on New Year’s Eve, is the time to make your New Year’s resolutions.
Why make resolutions? Because you CAN be a better person. I bet you know somebody who seems to be perfect — somebody who always looks terrific; somebody who manages to devote plenty of time to both family and career; somebody whose house is spotless, whose children are well-behaved and whose dog does not smell as if it sleeps on a bed of decomposing raccoons.
You wonder how that person “does it all,” don’t you? Well, stop wondering and do something! Start right now! Get up off the sofa, put on some active sportswear, and kill that person with a crowbar!
No, seriously, you need to make some New Year’s resolutions so that you can become a better you — a more-attractive you; an organized you; a you that is … well, less like you.
At this point you are saying: “Dave, I would love nothing better than to be less like myself, but every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is that I will lose weight, and currently my thighs are the diameter of the trans-Alaska pipeline.”
Don’t feel bad! Many people have trouble sticking to their resolutions, and there is a simple scientific explanation for this. In 1987, a team of psychologists conducted a study in which they monitored the New Year’s resolutions of 275 people. After one week, the psychologists found that 92 percent of the people were keeping their resolutions; after two weeks, we have no idea what happened, because the psychologists had quit monitoring.
“We just lost our motivation,” they reported. “Also, we found ourselves eating Twinkies by the case.”
So we see that keeping resolutions can be difficult. But you CAN do it, if you follow these practical tips:
1. BE REALISTIC.
Many people give up because they “set their sights too high.” In making a New Year’s resolution, pick a goal that you can reasonably expect to attain, as we see in these examples:
Unrealistic Goal: “In the next month, I will lose 25 pounds.”
Realistic Goal: “Over the next year, taking it an ounce or two at a time, I will gain 25 pounds, and my face will bloat like a military life raft.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will learn to speak Chinese.”
Realistic Goal: “I will order some Chinese food.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will read a good book.”
Realistic Goal: “I will examine the outsides of some good books, then waddle over to the part of the bookstore where they sell pastries.”
Unrealistic Goal: “I will do volunteer work for a worthy cause.”
Realistic Goal: “I will give myself a hearty scratching.”
2. THINK POSITIVE.
To succeed, you must believe in yourself. Write this motivational statement in large letters on a piece of paper and tape it someplace where you will see it often, such as on the inside of your eyeglasses:
“I CAN do it, and I WILL do it! Starting next year!”
3. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.
Let’s say that, like millions of weight-conscious Americans, you think you eat sensibly: Your diet consists almost exclusively of mineral water and low-calorie, low-fat foods. And yet you’re still gaining weight. Why? I’ll tell you why: You’re drinking water with minerals in it. Minerals are among the heaviest substances in the universe, second only to guests on The Jerry Springer Show. Think about it: The Appalachian mountains and most major appliances are essentially big wads
of minerals, and you’re putting those things into your body. No wonder you’re gaining weight!
FACT: The word “Perrier” is French for “balloon butt.”
I have run out of room here, thank God, so let me say in closing that I wish you the best of luck with your 1998 resolutions, and I will do the best to keep my own resolution, which is to give you, every single week, the most useful, informative and accurate columns I possibly can.
Starting next year.
Copyright © 1997 The Miami Herald
Posted in Funny New Year's ResolutionsBy rubyredshoes
Top 10 ways to convince yourself it’s okay to break your New Year’s Resolution
If you’re taking your resolution seriously, you might not want to read these! Then again, they’re not very rational, so maybe they’ll give you a good laugh..
Posted in Failing, Funny New Year's ResolutionsBy Tracy
New Year’s Quotes
I came across a list of quotes about New Year’s and New Year’s Resolutions. I enjoyed it and I hope you will too…
Posted in Funny New Year's ResolutionsBy rubyredshoes
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs…
These Cats’ New Year’s Resolutions/Affirmations are super cute! Read on…
Posted in Funny New Year's ResolutionsBy Tracy