January 8th, 2009
My New Year’s Resolution is to gain 200 pounds. No, I’m not dangerously thin, and no, I don’t want to gain 200 pounds of pure muscle. I want to gain 200 pounds of pure, unfiltered waste — the equivalent of 700,000 calories in brownies, snickerdoodles, cupcakes, fudge pops, mountain dew, mars bars, M&Ms, margarine sandwiches, and
guacamole milkshakes. There’s no particular rhyme or reason to my resolution; it will probably take 10 years off of my life and inflict disgust onto any women I meet, both in the process of gaining the weight and after having put it on.
read more
