New Year’s Resolutions Blog

Top 5 resolutions I failed to keep

Thursday, December 28th, 2006

Below are 5 resolutions I made (completely in earnest) in past years and totally failed to keep, complete with the date and disastrous nature of my failures:

• 1. No More Candy

I made this resolution on December 26, 1996, after consuming approximately 27 Christmas cookies (including the frosted cut-out kind, the marshmallow wreath kind, the kind with green swirls, snickerdoodles, gingersnaps, and of course the beloved chocolate chip cookie), 2 pounds of fudge (peanut butter, white chocolate, mint, chocolate, and more–I may be exaggerating on the poundage estimate, but I kind of don’t think so, sadly), 2 pieces of pecan pie, 1 slice of pumpkin pie, 2 pieces of cheesecake, a box of peanut brittle (yesawholeboxshutup), half a glass candy dish of green and red M&Ms, a large portion of a Whitman’s chocolate sampler, 5 candy canes, and probably several other desserts I have now forgotten, all in a 2-day period–and keep in mind that’s just an account of the sweets I ate; it doesn’t include the massive amounts of ham, dressing, steamed vegetables, casseroles, and other assorted “real” food I gorged on as well.

Yeahhh, those were a gross couple of days. I don’t think I actually gained any significant amount of weight (I carefully avoided scales for some time), but I certainly felt quite disgusting for at least a week, possibly like a python would feel after having consumed an entire pig, except pythons are designed to do that, and I’m not. Anyway, I quickly broke the no-candy “resolution” on January 18, 1997 (such discipline!), when a bag of M&Ms in the office vending machine called to me: “Tracy, we are so lonely without you… we cannot melt in the vending machine, only in your mouth. Help us achieve our melting destiny.” I ate them so fast, they had no time to melt. They were delicious.

• 2. Get Into Yoga

I’m wayyyy (yes, that many y’s) over the whole yoga thing by now, but I was pretty intrigued by it whenever the whole thing started, maybe 1999 or something. Anyway, Christmas that year, I asked for yoga-related gifts because I was going to get flexible and fit the next year. My mom bought me a yoga mat and some nice flowy stretchy yoga pants, and my boyfriend-at-the-time got me three months of yoga lessons. My dad laughed at us all and presented me with some DVDs, saying, “Unless you can do yoga and watch movies at the same time, this yoga thing ain’t gonna happen.”

And Dad was right. Sure, I went to the lessons for three months, learned a bunch of positions, jumped around, even did a few kundalini classes. But it just wasn’t for me. I’m a more active type of exerciser; if I’m going to get sweaty, I want to pummel people or see some cool scenery while I’m at it (hence my hatred of treadmills and stationary bikes… heck, all exercise machines). I don’t want to be in a dance studio with 10 other not-really-overweight-but-almost twentysomethings, staring at their dumb pastel yoga pants (both in reality and in the mirror). After the requisite amount of commitment, I rolled up my yoga mat on May 5, 2000.

• 3. Watch A Movie A Day

I do love me some movies, but this resolution was kind of insane, even for me. I made it back in January 1994, after watching The Nightmare Before Christmas and going on a Tim Burton kick, watching 10 of his movies in as many days. I made the resolution thinking that seeing so many works of art on a regular basis would be inspirational and help me come up with more ideas for my own photography and artwork. Unfortunately, it mostly just ate up my time and left me drained. I got through to March with very few movie-free days, but eventually realized that the resolution was only making me tired and disinterested in movies. I watched no movies in April, then reverted to normal movie-going habits.

• 4. Drive Less

This was one of those resolutions killed by poor planning. After spending a lot of money on gas in 2005, I thought driving less often would be a good way to save money and maybe get a little exercise. But I just didn’t do the right kind of planning. The resolution actually worked out pretty well for some time–I carpooled, planned trips to the store, and walked more often.

At some point in May or June, though, I began to forget about the resolution. I started driving myself to work again so I could drive to the pool to swim during lunch break. While the swimming was a positive step toward fitness, it did mean driving more. I also got lax about making grocery lists and ended up having to make an extra outing or two each week to get things I’d forgotten to buy. I didn’t completely blow the resolution, and some of my reasons for driving more often were positive (like swimming/exercising). Still, I could manage to drive a little less often. That’s not my main resolution for ‘07, but I’ll definitely keep it in mind.

• 5. Become A Boy

Perhaps my most hilarious resolution, I made this one back in 1982 after a childhood spent shunning pink and chasing after frogs. When my mom forced me into a frilly dress for a family Christmas party, I screeched, “I’ll show you! I’ll become a boy next year!” And I almost believed I could. I tried hard, wearing only pants (NO DRESSES, I’d scream), cutting my hair very short (a disastrous endeavor–I almost cut my ear off, and my mom actually cried when she saw the aftermath of the work I’d done with my Crayola safety scissors), skinning my knees frequently, climbing trees, making amazingly effective slingshots (a skill I still possess to this day), and coming up with other ways to frustrate my mom. Ultimately, I was unsuccessful in changing my gender, and doing so is no longer a priority for me. But I certainly made a valiant attempt all those years ago.

What are some resolutions that crashed and burned quickly for you?

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